So, last night I can recall three creepy dreams I had in a row.

The third, for some reason, I was apparently some black girl or something in like...a big black community.  I'm sorry but it struck me as odd that suddenly my dreams have race included.  But yeah, something about watching a little festival or something and climbing up on a roof and sitting down and play fighting with a little boy.  Sitting up there for a long long time as people talked on and on...and then for some reason it struck me that it was quite some time back because I was wearing a goofy dress.  And then they decided to marry me off to the kid I was picking on?  Or...something? I don't know *rubs her head* It was actually very very clear.  Very odd as well.  And I was just kinda like "Ehm...ugh...fine" and climbed down and there was some fuss over flowers and a dress that was just refitted to fit me.  I don't know, it was really odd *tilt*

The Second was something about rafting, like in a video game almost.  Going through this underground system running away from someone, and being part of like...a guard or something for some noble or royalty and helping them escape.  But in the end, the raft was breaking apart and the river opened up to the outdoors and...I never really finished the end of it.  The Phone woke me up. I chalk it up to watching the Musketeer too much *shrug*

The First *rubs her head, sigh* Okay, for some reason lately, for those of you who have been around long enough, you know about Lil D, or as I refer to him, d, among many other things (Derek the Quasi Jew, The Infamous Atlus Parker, the Immortal Derek Lee, and D. Lee).  Well alright you know -of- him, perhaps not about him much more than when I was thrown out of my parents houses, he took me in.  If you're really special you'll know that I lost my virginity to him and he moved to minnesota for me.  If you were in the right place at the right time you'll know that we drove eachother insane and I was young and stupid enough to leave him, not once, but twice.  *rubs her head* I know, it sounds awful, and it is.  Believe me, there's much more to that.

He is the attributing factor to my love for Harvest Moon, Most Mario Games, Previous Pokemon obsession, Forum love, General love for Gamecube and underestimated consoles, online rp, the person who introduced the greatness of "..." to me, probably the very reason I love FF8 more than any other, and why I make pedophile jokes, love of almost all RPG's especially suikoden and final fantasy and arc the lad, sketching, writing, theatrics, anything anti-utopian, rough housing, being unafraid to make an ass of yourself, sarcasm, vicious rhetoric, adoration for anime, crooning over certain songs over and over due to personal meanings and near obsessions over them, and general being of ones self no matter what anyone says.

*rubs her head* Before him...well, I didn't do a whole lot.  He was there from about...age 13 until... ... well until I was 17 in June.  And then after that on and off until he moved back to Massachusetts (...Conneticut... *whistful snicker* Sorry, memory flashback) last March, right before we moved into this house I'm currently in.  So about a year.  But we'd been split up for 3 years.  But our first break up was 5-6 years back, which is what really tore us apart. So about 7 years ago.

*shakes her head* Anyway.  That's neither here nor there, I don't want to recount our entire history.  And I'm sure you dont want to read it.  That's why I was so upset when my diaryx journal was destroyed...it had a lot of material on him in there...about our tenative trying to be friends and falling apart again...a lot of that.  ...It's kind of like I lost my last bit of him when that happened.

*sigh* but yes, dreams.

Lately he's been...on my mind excessively.  It's hard to go by Rochester Village or Target or even anywhere around 41st street. Or 18th avenue.  Hell that whole side of town is hard to go to.  And concidering a lot of what I love and do now is credited to him...well to be blunt, I'm reminded of him nearly every minute of every day.  And I think...that perhaps being around ad makes it a little more common place because...well partially because I don't have to watch what I say around him.  Josh hates d, so it's not as if I'm particularly at best form to mention him.  But also because I've drawn some similar lines between ad and his anamoly and myself and d.  *rubs her head* not his fault though, and I wouldn't ever want for him to be around any less, hell, I'm looking forward to living with him.

But, for some reason I'm usually much better at not letting the memories and reminders get to me.  I haven't thought about him this much since he left, or even before that.  *shaking breath*  You know when that bullshit with josh and chelsie happened he actually...he read my journal and found out how much of a wreck I was and was the only person who actually called me to make sure I was alright.  He even tried to get me to come over and get out of the house since josh left me there for about two days with my toe broken and incapacitated on the couch.  Course his roomates who dispised me and didn't understand our odd 'relationship' wouldn't let him...and he never drove.  *chuckles* ... ...silly man...hated driving with ever fiber in his being.

*pause* My "Guardian Angel, no matter how unwilling"...

Well, due to this excessive thinking of him, my dreams for the past week or so have had him in them.

Last night it was just him and I and whitney for some reason every so often, and Ian hanging out.  Sometimes he and I alone just talking or goofing off.  Sometimes all of us.  Even josh made an appearance...and everyone was just alright with eachother.  But...I felt...better.  Just being around him again. ... ... ... Recalling that dream all day I just felt a surge of happiness.  Then a crash of course, but still.

I know that we wouldn't work out...at least that's what I say.  There are too many things.  Little things that you don't find out until you live with someone.  Like he has to sleep coiled in a ball and can't sleep facing anyone or with anyone touching him.  Which is hard because I like cuddling up in bed.  He's a... pig to be honest.  Disorganized.  A recluse which makes things hard because I need to get out of the house or see other people at least some of the time. 

*sighs* ...but god damn it I miss him...just him being him. 

The jokes, the dramatic persona, the alter egos, the 'photoshoots', the "hey hey look what I did!", the posing fights and other scenes in front of people for no reason.  He was so witty and brilliant, reading through his screenplays and other things.  Never a boring moment.  ...him and his poofy hair and boston accent that -only- showed up when he was excessively tired.  The all night gaming sessions, hell, all weekend gaming sessions.  Windows blocked out and pepsi or mountain dew all over.  He had really long fingers too...great hands.  *blink* ...the only person I've ever noticed the hands... ... ...he called them gamers hands because he could span a keyboard or an xbox controller (though he loathed xbox), I called them artists hands.  Though he did have gamer circulation, hands always cool and feeling half dead.

Fucking hell, listen to me, writing a god damn sonnet over his hands of all things.  *rubs her eyes*



I've been in an excessively chipper mood lately.  Possitively fucking ducky! A really great mood.  And three forths the time I remember d and my heart beats fast and slow all at the same time (name that movie).  But...yeah sometimes it's more like...god damn it shut up already.

This sudden surge makes me wonder if he's alright.  Random thoughts about people worry me some.  But...I know I can't contact him.  I just can't.  Not that I don't have the means.  I have his address, his email, his aim... ...but it wouldn't be fair.  I'm the bad guy.  And it hurts him too much to hear from me.  So... ...I grit my teeth and bare it, repent for the wrong I've done to him and play the martyre to try and make things right.  To repent in a manner.  To leave him alone in hopes that he will be alright and he's moving on...though I know that if I ever called him up he would answer and come and do what he could...it wouldn't be fair.  It would be wrong of me to do.

Why make him relive all of that when he's just beginning to heal?

The last time I saw him, I came home crying and cried for nearly a week later to myself...and I actually wrote a poem/song something...first time it's come through like that.  And I can only remember one part, the last part;

"When all the world goes on,
So do you.
With flawless facade
and Unyeilding smile.
Let them all rest easy,
Though you're being torn
a bit at a time.
Left beaten and bloody
By your own hand
And a grin stretched
Ear to Ear."

*rubs her head* Blegh, melladramatics.

d taught me that word a long time ago.


I'm going to bed, it's 5 and I have company.  Wish me luck my pretties.
And don't you dare fucking leave a "poor sami" comment down there.  I'm boding quite well, just a little nagging on the corner of my mind that I needed to get out before I could rest easy.  Easier at least, heheh.

-A
"Doremi elf!? What's a Doremi elf!?
Um, Bay, I think that's "Do Re Mi Elf"
...Oh
Which is why they attack with music notes...
...Oh...ri-ight"
(Can you guess which line was me?)

Oh right, and a couple pretty things I made today:



A couple for a Vampire Freaks Cult.  I am NOT a fan of their name, obviously...

*ahem, very professional manner*
In the spirit of holidays after Saints, I have taken it upon myself to tell you of another, lesser known Saint.
Yes...I am serious.

Now, the history behind this Saints story is quite a tale and has been verified by all of the highest christian scholars.
The exact date is under debate, some say sometime around 13th century while others date it back as far as 48.2 AD, there was a great man known as "Khristoffer Waulkenin".  A devout believer in Jesus Christ, out lord and savior. *

Though his belief was strong, he became preoccupied with the eternal question of Jesus' exact birth date, which as we've seen has been under a certain amount of speculation.  There are some that claim some rediculously poppycock tale about pagans and trees and something called a "Solstice", which we all know is rediculous because Pagans, much like the laughable concept of a round earth, is completely myth.

The biggest piece of information these unbelievers hold to is the passage in the birth of Our Lord that includes shephards being in the fields, which only happens in the spring to summer, not winter.

Saint Khristoffer studdied the facts and took great lengths to prove that these shephards were not 'in the field' but instead searching for their flock of...not sheep, but cows, which were known to roam the country side of Jerusalem wild and free as locusts.  **

Now, Khristoffer in his studies and searches went to Jerusalem to observe the cows and to become closer to his subject matter.  While there, he Discovered the crypt of Rufus, the 13th apostle of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  Which was oddly enough filled with Bently Rims, aproximately 40oz bottles of mead and something they catagorized as "Massive Bling Bling".

But along with these findings, inside the coffin with the remains was a single Cow Bell.

Mysterious as it was, upon looking further in the crypt he found old scrolls that carbon dated back to the same time as the Dead Sea Scrolls, but written in a strange kind of 'urbanised' version of aramaic.

Once translated, these scrolls clarified the ongoing debate and told of the infamous Cow Bell of Jesus Christ.

It seems that the lost cows were simply an intervention by the Lord God to have the Shephards stray.  Being that the cow's natural mating time is in the dead of winter, the shephards gave chase, hoping to hear the bells that they had tied to the cows. 

The herd of cows, a cow being a true and noble creature, they found their way toward the holy devine light of the newborn Christ Baby. Upon seeing this odd creature, Baby Jesus reached up with a stick found in the manger and began to hit the bell hanging around the cow's neck.  The Shephards soon heard the ruckus and stumbled upon the small gathering at the manger and beheld the Christ Child hitting the cow bell.

The symbolism of the baby in a golden colored diaper comes from the fact that when they came upon the Babe, he had wet himself and thus, the rags he was wrapped in were stained a rather bright golden yellow. ***

Upon discovering all of this, Saint Khristoffer took the evidence and the bell to the masses, hitting the cow bell with a stick and calling out "Yay, for I come onto thee bearing the cow bell.  Being a God Fearing Man, I must haveth the more of the Devine sound of the Cow Bell! More! More Cow Bell, Yay sayeth onto the Lord!"

Many discounted him as insane, and was immediately martyred by farmers who took the bells from their cows and blugened him to death with them. Though after hearing tales of Saint Khristoffer and the Devine Cow Bell and the nobility of the Cow and his part in the Baby Christ's birth, many Hindus began to worship the noble creature as a messenger of God, which it remains to this day.

Through years and years of English Corruption, the Name Saint Khristoffer Waulkenin was changed to the more acceptabel and generally easier to say "Christopher Walken".  Some say he was granted a second life, a rising much like Christ from the Lord himself for his astonishing uncoveries.  Though this is but a theory, a myth, much like Big Foot or the Lock Ness Monster.

Your Daily history lesson, my dear.
-Samantha




*Though we all know while Jesus Saves, Sami Spends
**Something Beautiful to behold and is still a great attraction to tourests who go to visit Jerusalem, the wild roaming cows of the plains.
***Few know of this but Jesus' First Miracle was turning Urine to gold, thus his diaper actually -was- gold and were given to the shephards, the kings and any others who stopped by as parting gifts, as well as kept his family well off for many years.


For those of you who are just going "What the fuck?" ... You obviously haven't seen enough SNL Skits.
-§A

And yes...I -am- insane.  A tasty tidbit for Addy and Lex from their favorite little Sami-Monster.

Because a stupid quiz has a clue moreso than I do at this point

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

Yeah.  I said it.  *shrug*  And no, I'm not bitter about it, nor am I one of those people you wanna hit because they're single and stupid about it.  I just don't see the point.

Celebrating some fellah's bloody, gruesome death by giving each other candy.  Yeah okay I get it, it's the whole idea that "Well he stood up for love"  Yadda yadda.  No, he stood up for marriage.  There is a big difference, pally. Marriage.  Love.  See how the words are different?  Yeah.

I also dislike the idea that nearly nobody knows what started this holiday.  Emperor Claudious wanted an army, not enough men were signing up so he said "Yo! You can't get married anymore! HAH!" but this Valentine guy decided to keep marrying people in private.  So, naturally, he was killed. 

Then again, there was one other "Valentine" was was killed during Claudius' reign, and people mix the two up.
 
This guy went and would not give christianity up, so he was jailed, made friends with the jailor's daughter (Supposedly gave her her sight back as some godly miracle) and when he was beheaded, on Feb 14th, he left a note for her signed "From your Valentine".

He of course became a Saint.  And really, the day wasn't set asside for romantic love until Chaucer. In Chaucer's "Parliament of Fouls" composed around 1380, he stated: For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne's day Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate.  Until then, the day was just for honoring the Saints that were killed near that day, such as Valentine.

So the logical explanation would be to give eachother dead flowers, cheesy cards and candy.  *nods very slowly*  Right.  *chews on her lip*  Sorry, it doens't make a whole lot of sense to me. *shrug*

So...Screw it.  I'm not into the hallmark, cheesy candy, explosion of pink and red, hey you better get them something or you don't love them enough... thing.

Also, I'm not some emotional cripple who simply can't tell the people that I love that I love them.  Oh no, the people I love -know- I love them because I tell them every damn time I see them.  Well... nearly.  Or I make the point to make cheesy ass pictures for them and slather them all over the place.

Sorry guys, just not into it.

So for all you who expect to get something on this infamous little day of corporate skewed love, good for you.  Don't flip out if you don't.  People still love you regardless, I assure you that not getting condensed sugar hearts with generic messages doesn't mean they love you any less.

Sure, it's sweet, but I think it's sweeter to get a little 'just because' gifts on any other day.  For some reason gifts on 2-14 seem forced and cheepened by the whole... "Oh I have to" vibe.  *shrug*

Anyway, yeah, so...have a good one guys. *salute*

-Sami

And just in case you're curious...no, Josh and I are not doing anything.

So it seems that I was a bit elloquant with this random Survey on Myspace (Just ask Tom/Tigerblade, heheh) So here are some of my favorite bits:

i am: Sami, a mixed up wrangled little piece of sincerity wrapped in sarcasm, the forever enigma who will work for you and against you at the same time, who will show you all the things you never wanted to see in yourself...and is more than you will ever be able to handle.
i need: Some. Of what? I'm not sure yet.
i love: Listening to the paino and sitting in a room full of alive people...it makes me feel... infinant.
i want: To visit someone very badly all of the sudden. And have the strength to break away from those who are dragging me.
i wish: for just...a peaceful place.
i am always: flying.
i sing: at the most inappropriate times.
i spray: venomous words of destruction and truth to reveal the bettering parts of a soul.
QUOTE: They call me the Queen of Swords; for someone must bestow onto the King of Hearts his blade...and I am just the one to do it
"So what do you do? I laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously."
"Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place. "


Really, I am a fan of some surveys if they can get little droplets like that out of me. Otherwise...they can suck it.

Here's the rest if anyone's interested:

---

Minute ago: I was debating about going to the north star with Chris, reminicing about the full moon divination meeting the C4C had and mulling over the evils of my readings from the night.
1 Hour ago: I was nearly in tears, listening to Jen read the verdict of my cards. I hate having my cards read.
1 day ago: Hovering my mouse over the delete button on one of my most cherrished friends...debating
1 year ago: (whitney...no you weren't) I was still trying to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship. And eating lots of taffy. Mmm, taffy.
i love: The world.
I fear: The King of Cups and the Knight of Swords.
I feel : Aching for something lost.
I hate: That pencil in my jar with no eraser
I hide: Lots *wink*
I miss: At the moment? Someone. And Taffy. Mmm Taffy.
I need: To stop caring so much about the world...and work on myself. Be the strong free spirit I want to be, but am afraid to work for.
I know: That I need to stop eating sunflower seeds or my lips are going to be perminantly puffy and then I'll look like angelina. Creepy.
I think: Entirely too much. Probably about you *smirk*

Firsts........

first kiss: Was surprisingly anti climactic.
first dance: Was probably in my bedroom, to the radio in a long aerosmith Tee and my underoos with Megan
first peircing: Was also my last
first credit card: I put a bagel on. Unfortunately you gotta build credit, man.
first b/f / g/f: Derek Lee Distler...the immortal quasi jew from Mass. Yeah, he's on a pedastal...what of it, bitches?
first partner: 5th grade, square dancing class. Some guy named brandon.

lasts......

Last long car ride: Long car ride? *wince* Mmm... maybe a month ago? Went to Farmington to drop Dre off.
last thing you ate: Sunflower Seeds (I just can't make the madness stop!)
last phone call: I believe... ...that it was... ... Chris?
last cd you listened to: M:TH, Manic.
last drink you had: Some Sangrea over at Jen's house.
last time you were drunk: Oh shit. Um. Last summer when I was silly enough to let steven mix my drink at Prada's house. Whoo that was an amazing night. Not because of the drinking, I hated that part. But the couch afterward.

short anwer......

i am: Sami, a mixed up wrangled litlte piece of sincerity wrapped in sarcasm, the forever enigma who will forever work for you and against you at the same time, who will show you all the things you never wanted to see in yourself...and more than you will ever be able to handle.
i need: Some. Of what? I'm not sure yet.
i love: Listening to the paino and sititng in a room full of alive people...it makes me feel... infinant.
i want: To visit someone very badly all of the sudden. And have the strength to break away from those who are dragging me.
i wish: for just...a peaceful place.
i am always: flying.
i sing: at the most inappropriate times.
i spray: venomous words of destruction and truth to reveal the bettering parts of a soul.

Favorites......


NUMBER:
COLORS: Blue, Orange, Black
DAY(S): Depends how the day feels
MONTH(S) March, June, July, November, December
CAR: One that works.
FOOD: Mmm yummy stuff
MOVIE:
SONG:
QUOTE: They call me the Queen of Swords; for someone must bestow onto the King of Hearts his blade...and I am just the one to do it
"So what do you do? I laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously."
"Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place. "

IN THE LAST TWO DAYS HAVE YOU.........

CRYED: No, actually. Teared up and King Kong though.
HELPED SOMEONE: Always.
GOTTEN SICK: No, thankfully
GONE TO THE MOVIES: Yes, Wednesday.
SAID " I LOVE YOU" Yes.
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: No.. ... hm I should do that.
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE: Indeed.
WRITTEN A DIARY: No.
TALKED SUREOUS WITH SOMEONE: Not...really. I miss it.
HUGGED SOME ONE: Tonight even.
MISSED AN EX: Always.
HAD SEX: *counts, thinkgs* No.
THOUGHT ABOUT SEX: A lingering or two.

---

I promise one of these days I'll post something of substance. Promise

G'night Lovelies ...I mean, g'morning.

-§A