So, last night I can recall three creepy dreams I had in a row.

The third, for some reason, I was apparently some black girl or something in like...a big black community.  I'm sorry but it struck me as odd that suddenly my dreams have race included.  But yeah, something about watching a little festival or something and climbing up on a roof and sitting down and play fighting with a little boy.  Sitting up there for a long long time as people talked on and on...and then for some reason it struck me that it was quite some time back because I was wearing a goofy dress.  And then they decided to marry me off to the kid I was picking on?  Or...something? I don't know *rubs her head* It was actually very very clear.  Very odd as well.  And I was just kinda like "Ehm...ugh...fine" and climbed down and there was some fuss over flowers and a dress that was just refitted to fit me.  I don't know, it was really odd *tilt*

The Second was something about rafting, like in a video game almost.  Going through this underground system running away from someone, and being part of like...a guard or something for some noble or royalty and helping them escape.  But in the end, the raft was breaking apart and the river opened up to the outdoors and...I never really finished the end of it.  The Phone woke me up. I chalk it up to watching the Musketeer too much *shrug*

The First *rubs her head, sigh* Okay, for some reason lately, for those of you who have been around long enough, you know about Lil D, or as I refer to him, d, among many other things (Derek the Quasi Jew, The Infamous Atlus Parker, the Immortal Derek Lee, and D. Lee).  Well alright you know -of- him, perhaps not about him much more than when I was thrown out of my parents houses, he took me in.  If you're really special you'll know that I lost my virginity to him and he moved to minnesota for me.  If you were in the right place at the right time you'll know that we drove eachother insane and I was young and stupid enough to leave him, not once, but twice.  *rubs her head* I know, it sounds awful, and it is.  Believe me, there's much more to that.

He is the attributing factor to my love for Harvest Moon, Most Mario Games, Previous Pokemon obsession, Forum love, General love for Gamecube and underestimated consoles, online rp, the person who introduced the greatness of "..." to me, probably the very reason I love FF8 more than any other, and why I make pedophile jokes, love of almost all RPG's especially suikoden and final fantasy and arc the lad, sketching, writing, theatrics, anything anti-utopian, rough housing, being unafraid to make an ass of yourself, sarcasm, vicious rhetoric, adoration for anime, crooning over certain songs over and over due to personal meanings and near obsessions over them, and general being of ones self no matter what anyone says.

*rubs her head* Before him...well, I didn't do a whole lot.  He was there from about...age 13 until... ... well until I was 17 in June.  And then after that on and off until he moved back to Massachusetts (...Conneticut... *whistful snicker* Sorry, memory flashback) last March, right before we moved into this house I'm currently in.  So about a year.  But we'd been split up for 3 years.  But our first break up was 5-6 years back, which is what really tore us apart. So about 7 years ago.

*shakes her head* Anyway.  That's neither here nor there, I don't want to recount our entire history.  And I'm sure you dont want to read it.  That's why I was so upset when my diaryx journal was destroyed...it had a lot of material on him in there...about our tenative trying to be friends and falling apart again...a lot of that.  ...It's kind of like I lost my last bit of him when that happened.

*sigh* but yes, dreams.

Lately he's been...on my mind excessively.  It's hard to go by Rochester Village or Target or even anywhere around 41st street. Or 18th avenue.  Hell that whole side of town is hard to go to.  And concidering a lot of what I love and do now is credited to him...well to be blunt, I'm reminded of him nearly every minute of every day.  And I think...that perhaps being around ad makes it a little more common place because...well partially because I don't have to watch what I say around him.  Josh hates d, so it's not as if I'm particularly at best form to mention him.  But also because I've drawn some similar lines between ad and his anamoly and myself and d.  *rubs her head* not his fault though, and I wouldn't ever want for him to be around any less, hell, I'm looking forward to living with him.

But, for some reason I'm usually much better at not letting the memories and reminders get to me.  I haven't thought about him this much since he left, or even before that.  *shaking breath*  You know when that bullshit with josh and chelsie happened he actually...he read my journal and found out how much of a wreck I was and was the only person who actually called me to make sure I was alright.  He even tried to get me to come over and get out of the house since josh left me there for about two days with my toe broken and incapacitated on the couch.  Course his roomates who dispised me and didn't understand our odd 'relationship' wouldn't let him...and he never drove.  *chuckles* ... ...silly man...hated driving with ever fiber in his being.

*pause* My "Guardian Angel, no matter how unwilling"...

Well, due to this excessive thinking of him, my dreams for the past week or so have had him in them.

Last night it was just him and I and whitney for some reason every so often, and Ian hanging out.  Sometimes he and I alone just talking or goofing off.  Sometimes all of us.  Even josh made an appearance...and everyone was just alright with eachother.  But...I felt...better.  Just being around him again. ... ... ... Recalling that dream all day I just felt a surge of happiness.  Then a crash of course, but still.

I know that we wouldn't work out...at least that's what I say.  There are too many things.  Little things that you don't find out until you live with someone.  Like he has to sleep coiled in a ball and can't sleep facing anyone or with anyone touching him.  Which is hard because I like cuddling up in bed.  He's a... pig to be honest.  Disorganized.  A recluse which makes things hard because I need to get out of the house or see other people at least some of the time. 

*sighs* ...but god damn it I miss him...just him being him. 

The jokes, the dramatic persona, the alter egos, the 'photoshoots', the "hey hey look what I did!", the posing fights and other scenes in front of people for no reason.  He was so witty and brilliant, reading through his screenplays and other things.  Never a boring moment.  ...him and his poofy hair and boston accent that -only- showed up when he was excessively tired.  The all night gaming sessions, hell, all weekend gaming sessions.  Windows blocked out and pepsi or mountain dew all over.  He had really long fingers too...great hands.  *blink* ...the only person I've ever noticed the hands... ... ...he called them gamers hands because he could span a keyboard or an xbox controller (though he loathed xbox), I called them artists hands.  Though he did have gamer circulation, hands always cool and feeling half dead.

Fucking hell, listen to me, writing a god damn sonnet over his hands of all things.  *rubs her eyes*



I've been in an excessively chipper mood lately.  Possitively fucking ducky! A really great mood.  And three forths the time I remember d and my heart beats fast and slow all at the same time (name that movie).  But...yeah sometimes it's more like...god damn it shut up already.

This sudden surge makes me wonder if he's alright.  Random thoughts about people worry me some.  But...I know I can't contact him.  I just can't.  Not that I don't have the means.  I have his address, his email, his aim... ...but it wouldn't be fair.  I'm the bad guy.  And it hurts him too much to hear from me.  So... ...I grit my teeth and bare it, repent for the wrong I've done to him and play the martyre to try and make things right.  To repent in a manner.  To leave him alone in hopes that he will be alright and he's moving on...though I know that if I ever called him up he would answer and come and do what he could...it wouldn't be fair.  It would be wrong of me to do.

Why make him relive all of that when he's just beginning to heal?

The last time I saw him, I came home crying and cried for nearly a week later to myself...and I actually wrote a poem/song something...first time it's come through like that.  And I can only remember one part, the last part;

"When all the world goes on,
So do you.
With flawless facade
and Unyeilding smile.
Let them all rest easy,
Though you're being torn
a bit at a time.
Left beaten and bloody
By your own hand
And a grin stretched
Ear to Ear."

*rubs her head* Blegh, melladramatics.

d taught me that word a long time ago.


I'm going to bed, it's 5 and I have company.  Wish me luck my pretties.
And don't you dare fucking leave a "poor sami" comment down there.  I'm boding quite well, just a little nagging on the corner of my mind that I needed to get out before I could rest easy.  Easier at least, heheh.

-A
"Doremi elf!? What's a Doremi elf!?
Um, Bay, I think that's "Do Re Mi Elf"
...Oh
Which is why they attack with music notes...
...Oh...ri-ight"
(Can you guess which line was me?)

Oh right, and a couple pretty things I made today:



A couple for a Vampire Freaks Cult.  I am NOT a fan of their name, obviously...